Me, Love, and Anxiety

Recently, I realized one thing about myself: I try to make everyone around me happy. From my parents, to my special someone, to my friends, even acquaintances; I try to make everyone around me happy. I suppose that's how I show them that I love them, one way or another.

Yes, I know that loving someone isn't just about that. It isn't only about giving something to the other person, whatever it may be; it's about having a connection, a bond that won't be broken easily, no matter what. It's about finding someone to be with - no words needed - in an open field under the stars. It's about finding a friend who would be able to forgive your mistakes, because you're still learning. It's about having someone to lean on. It's about finding your safe haven in a place other than your own's.

Before, I thought that to keep this "connection", I should always have something to talk about: "How was your day?" or "What are you doing?" or whatever topic it may be. I always ask the same questions, and I'm almost sure to get the same reply every single time. I ask people these questions so often that they more than likely find it annoying. But I still asked them anyway, because that's the only way I knew.

All my life I have always felt like I've been isolated from the world - a caged bird, alone in its cage. That is why I act the way I am, because I don't know anything else. Really, I want to break free from these walls that surround me and be free to do whatever I want, but... I can't! It always feels like there are chains dragging me back to that cramped up room, sealed away from the outside. It would be nice if there was someone who could help me, but life doesn't work like that. The only person that can help myself is myself, I know that. The problem is this: anxiety gets the better of me.

This is why I am not much of a gambler. I always take the safest route out, because I know that it would be best. But what if that wasn't the best for me? What if, instead of just lazing around, I led a whole group of people to do something together? Or maybe become a travel journalist, with the chance to see the world, instead of working from morning til night, stuck in one place until the day I die? What if..?

They are all "ifs". Nothing will happen unless you actually do it. The same goes to love. If we don't risk it all, then we won't get anywhere. "High risk, high reward", as they say.

Sure we risk it, but sometimes it gets to our head. We become too hasty, too aggressive, too... vulnerable. And we don't usually notice it, but we are. I am. I know that I've been doing a lot of things lately, but they really aren't what I want. In fact, I'm not sure what I want. But it's too late to change anything now.

Love? I don't regret anything. But there is only one thing that I'm scared of: not knowing what in the world I'm supposed to do...